It was Valentine’s Day and I was 12 and a half. My partner-in-crime and skateboard buddy had been best friends for several years. His best friend and my best friend were now a couple. The four of us were always hanging out together and going to the mall to play video games. I was almost in High School; I was the youngest and the three of them were already sophomores. The other half of our quad started kissing again, so we went for a walk around the block. Suddenly, he stopped and got down on one knee. He professed his love for me and asked me to be his Valentine right on the corner! I was so surprised! I had never had a boyfriend before, and he was my best friend. We did everything together and were inseparable. We left that corner to finish our walk around the other half of the block holding hands. My pseudo sister was so excited for me! She said that now we can have double dates and stuff.
My grandfather passed away recently and my abuela came to live with us. We moved to the three-bedroom apartment at the front of our previous apartment. So now, I no longer had to wipe away the cobwebs and only had to listen to all the people hopping the alley wall and cutting through our courtyard late at night to get to the street. A lot of people would run through while being chased. Some would tap on my window, as it was lit up at night with a pink hue. I spent a lot of time in my room playing my radio, Atari or just listening to my Walkman cassettes.
My mom faught a lot with her mom. Usually my mom ended up going to her room crying. I didn’t understand what was going on, but it wasn’t much fun listen to two Puerto-Rican woman go at it. If my bae wasn’t in the neighborhood, I just stayed in my room because the col-de-sac had declined in safety. The house across the street had a gang living in it and they sold drugs all the time. Police were there almost every day. I wasn’t allowed to go out at night unless our quad was together. Bae was driving now, so it was a lot more fun to go around town, to the beach, or just take a drive to the movies.
We had been together almost 6 months now and my birthday was coming up. Summertime was exciting to become an official teenager.
My favorite Tio was going to have his daughter here for the summer. She’d always come to visit one month in the winter and one month in the summer. Because my Tio worked a lot, she would stay with my mom and I. This summer would be different since my Abuela was there. Tio surprised me and invited me to go with them to an amusement park. I was thrilled and since my mom didn’t want to go, we took left. I had the greatest 13th birthday riding roller coasters, arcades, and cotton candy. We rode this one roller coaster over and over because there was no line. We played at the arcade, and she flirted with every boy she could. I had a boyfriend, so I just had fun spending time with my favorite Tio and my favorite cousin. Tio was getting tired, and it was a hot July day, so we went home early. As we pulled up in front of my house, there was a police car again. Except, this time it was on my side of the street. I didn’t think anything of it because of our gang across the street. But wait, there was an officer at my door and Abuela was talking to him. Oh my God!
After a while, Tio spoke with the officer, cousin and I were allowed to come out of my room, Tio told me my mom was sick and had to be rushed to the hospital. So here I am, my thirteenth birthday present is that my mom is going to die.
I spent a few days with my Abuela. I was just a zombie and didn’t do anything except hang out with bae. My mom was still in the hospital, and I didn’t know how long she was going to be gone. Bae surprised me and wanted to take me to the movies. My Abuela demanded I not go. I told her we always used to go when mom was home and she just screamed, “you no kiss him!”. What was that all about. Why was she so upset about kissing a boy. I was a good kid and had no intentions of ruining my education to get pregnant like some of the girls did before high school. Bae heard her and kissed me anyway. Way to go Bae, now you pissed her off even more. I don’t even know why she was mad in the first place. I was home before dark and Abuela apologized that she was scared I would run away and get married too young like she did. I assured her I had bigger plans in mind.
My mom’s doctor called and said he wanted to take me to see my mom. I wasn’t sure what he meant by that and why was the doctor calling me and not my dad. Once we arrived at the hospital, I was asked to empty my pockets and take off my sweatshirt from around my waist. That was odd. I was escorted into a minimum-security wing of a really odd-looking hospital. It looked more like a hotel, than a hospital. No one was in scrubs, just dressed like office staff. I was brought into a meeting room with red cushions along two walls shaping an “L”. He had been her doctor for a week now and felt she was doing better enough to have visitors. He offered me a seat, which I thought was funny because 4 people could have laid down on what he called a seat. I chose the corner end across from his chair. Without hesitation, he began to explain that my mother had taken an overdose of tranquilizers and tried to kill herself. Abuela found her unconscious on the bathroom floor and called the police. I was going to be placed into foster care because they finally found my dad from jail records of a previous DUI a couple months back and he had remarried and now had a teenage stepdaughter and 21-year-old stepson and wasn’t willing to take care of me too. Because my Abuela was illiterate and couldn’t drive, she wasn’t allowed to be my guardian. The Doctor proceeded to tell me that he could put me through care-taker training, and I’d be able to bring my mom home and stay in my home. He went on to say that we’d have family therapy and that he’d take care of all the paperwork for her to come home. She had to stay a total of two weeks before they could clear her as stable. She was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, level 4 with suicidal tendencies. Ok. I went from age 12 to turning 23 overnight.
The Dr. took me down a well lit hallway full of steel and glass doors on both sides. Her room was locked and he let me in and shut the door and locked it behind me. She looked so tired. They had been giving her lithium and she said she couldn’t sleep. She begged me to bring her a razor blade so she could shave because she didn’t want anyone to know she had hair on her chin. How vain is she? How far could she go with what people are going to think of a little bit of hair on her chin! She just had her stomach pumped full of charcoal after taking an entire bottle of tranquilizers so she could die. What about me? Why would she want to leave me? It was my fucking birthday! This was my birthday present from her, to plan her funeral. I was so angry and every word that came out of her mouth just literally went through one ear and out the other as I stared out the window. The landscaping was beautiful. The hospital was called “Capistrano by the Sea”. Sounds so peaceful, doesn’t it? Well, it’s not. It’s just full of people crying, screaming, and banging on things. It’s a hospital for involuntary containment of mentally unstable people and now my mom was one of them. Blabbing on and on about how it was a misunderstanding and how she didn’t mean to take them and can I bring her a razor. I finally stopped her and asked, “what about me? Were you just going to leave me without saying goodbye?” To that she replied effortlessly, “I didn’t care about you, I just wanted to go away.” “But mom, what about me? You’re my mom and I need you.” She replied without emotion, “No, you don’t need me, I just want to get out of here.” My mother didn’t care about me and I just want to leave.
I was branded again. My father didn’t want me and now my mom didn’t want me. I was on my own and the only way out of this was being more successful than them both.